Life is a series of decisions - forks in the road, if you will. At each juncture, we have the opportunity to go one way or the other, and the choice you make influences everything that happens subsequently. And, unfortunately, there is no "Undo" command for life. Once you make a decision, you've got to face the consequences.
Some of you may be old enough to remember the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books that were popular in the early 1980s. The concept went like this - if you want to make Choice A, turn to page 5, and if you want to make Choice B, turn to page 8. And from there, there were more and more choices to make. Depending on the series of choices you made, either you would successfully complete the adventure, or you would be in big trouble.
Sort of like life, isn't it?
For me, at least, this begs an important question: What if I had made a different choice?
What if I had decided to stay in New York with my father when my mother moved to Florida in 1980? Where would life have taken me then? Would I ever have met my wife, who was born and raised in Miami? (And, interestingly enough, my father and stepmother eventually relocated to Florida - 15 years after I did.)
What if I had decided to go to the University of Florida (which was my first choice) as a probationary student, rather than going to Florida State University (which wasn't) as a regular student? Would I have met Dick Dunham, the psychology professor at FSU who discovered me and started me on the path to my academic career?
What if I had decided to stay in Europe with my Italian girlfriend in 1992, instead of coming back to the States and finishing my bachelor's degree? Would I have ever finished school? Would I have met and married my wife - who is my soulmate? Or would I have stayed with someone who wasn't?
What if I had gone to the University of Guelph, in Ontario, for my Ph.D. instead of coming to Florida International University in Miami? Would I have met my wife, who just happened to be attending FIU at the same time I was? Would I have landed the academic job I have now, which is such a good fit for me? (And as it so happens, the professor who invited me to Guelph got sick with cancer and took an extended leave of absence - during the time I would have been there.)
What if I had forced my wife to move with me to Columbus, Ohio, in 2007 to take a job that was offered to me at Ohio State University? What would have happened to our marriage?
There are a number of schools of thought on this. Some people believe that God has a plan for each of us, and that we are guided toward some choices and away from others. I've always felt that way. But other people feel that we are solely responsible for our choices, and that where we have arrived now is no "better" or "worse" than where we would be had we made a different set of choices.
But all of this is the path not taken.
The next time you have an important life choice to make, be sure you won't be regretting five years later that you hadn't gone another way.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in New York in 1980, or gone to the University of Florida for my degree, or stayed in Europe with someone I now have not seen in nearly 16 years, or gone to Guelph for my Ph.D., or taken that job at Ohio State. But I don't regret not having done any of these things. I'm happy with my life now and with where it has taken me. Wondering and regretting are not the same thing.
What are your paths not taken? Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you'd taken one of those paths? Might you have a different partner, different children, a different job, or a different circle of friends? Might your whole life have been different?
If you believe as I do, after your body dies, in your life review you will have the opportunity to explore where each of these "paths not taken" would have taken you. Would you have been happy with that person you let go of? Would you have wanted to take that job with better pay but that would have required you to move away from everything (and everyone) you've ever known? Should you have approached that guy (or girl) years ago who seemed to be beckoning to you, but whom you were reluctant or afraid to approach?
So there is no reason to regret anything. In good time, you'll have a chance to see what you might have missed - and possibly what you should be happy you avoided.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Leadership
This is the first time I have written a blog entry in over six months. I've been busy, but I have also been collecting my thoughts.
As I watch our presidential candidates parade themselves all over the country and try to convince us why we should elect them as our next president, one important attribute comes to mind - something that we have had precious little of in our government in quite a long time.
Leadership.
Leadership is so powerful that a charismatic leader can get others to believe, and do, just about anything. History is full of examples of people who have transformed whole nations - for good or for bad - and who have convinced others to do things that they never dreamed they would (or could). People like Martin Luther King have changed the course of our country's history by having the courage to put their lives on the line to lead others toward change and progress. Think about presidents like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Ronald Reagan, who have carried the country on their shoulders during difficult times. We trusted them, and they delivered on their promises.
This is what we need now.
Our country is in trouble because of lack of leadership. Whatever else you might say about George W. Bush, most of us can agree that he is not a leader. Leaders work to unify their followers, to inspire them, and to make clear what the goals are and how we are to achieve them. Has Bush done any of this - at least after the unprecedented wave of patriotism that gripped the nation following September 11th? And what must be done to create the type of leadership that we need to get ourselves out of this mess?
There are many people who believe that it is not in their best interests to protect the environment, or to accept and value others who are different from them, or to follow the Golden Rule. This is because they see the world only in terms of what they want and need, and not in terms of what is good for the country - or for the human race - as a whole. Indeed, in the United States today, a culture has been created that values short-term financial gain over long-term survival, that values political connections over genuine qualifications, and where an "every person for themselves" mindset has prevailed.
We need good leaders to provide the vision to change all of this.
So what are the characteristics of a good leader?
First, a good leader leads by example. If you want others to do something, do it yourself, and offer to show others how to do what you are doing. Most people are smart enough to be able to tell genuine leadership from empty words. If you aren't walking the walk, no one cares if you talk the talk. Martin Luther King didn't just preach tolerance - he lived it. And 40 years after his death, people still follow his lead.
Second, a good leader is open and transparent. If I am an effective leader, you don't have to guess what my motives are. I will simply tell you. Good leaders don't keep secrets from others. They make clear why they are doing what they're doing, and what they hope to gain from it. They have a passion that is contagious, and that doesn't have to be explained. The spiritual masters whose wisdom and teachings are at the heart of the world's major religions - Jesus, Buddha, Moses, Krishna, Lao Tzu, Confucius, Muhammad - didn't have to persuade others to follow them. Others flocked and begged to be in their presence. Their sense of purpose was undeniable, and no one had to ask them what they were doing, or why they were doing it. And hundreds or thousands of years after these masters left the earth, they are still revered, and their teachings are still followed.
Third, a good leader is available. If someone needs wisdom or guidance from you, you should make time to share it with them - no matter how busy you are. Make the time. In my academic career, not once have I have ever turned away a student who wanted to meet with me. Indeed, it is an honor to be called upon to share wisdom, and everyone else's time is just as valuable as yours. If someone else is taking the time to come to you, then you need to reciprocate. Indeed, wisdom, knowledge, and experience are useless unless they are shared with others in times of need.
Fourth, a good leader does not worry about whether she or he is being followed. For those who lead effectively, their behavior would be the same if no one were watching as it would if a million people were following. The actions are taken out of an intrinsic desire to actualize oneself, and others take notice. Indeed, if you are doing something primarily because you want to get noticed, chances are it won't work. My undergraduate mentor, Dick Dunham, told me nearly 15 years ago that the best runners don't worry about their competition - they just run. When you act in accordance with your true self, others will take notice and will want to be in your presence. Why? Because the true self comes from God, and most people want to be around someone who is genuinely connected to God.
Finally, a good leader is unshakable. No matter what happens, a good leader never veers off course - at least not for long. The sense of purpose comes from within - so external events don't change the leader's determination to reach her or his goal. Do you think Martin Luther King changed his message - or shied away from spreading it - because people were trying to kill him? Indeed, he knew he was going to be killed, and yet he focused intensely on sharing his wisdom. Can you imagine the kind of inspiration that this kind of leader creates in others?
There is one important caveat here - and one that may have occurred to you already. The characteristics I listed above can be used to describe leaders like Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and John Kennedy - but also leaders like Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler. Therefore, it is important to attend not only to the characteristics of the leader, but also to the message that she or he is spreading. Phil Zimbardo, an eminent scholar in social psychology and the lead investigator of the famous Stanford prison experiments back in the 1970s, has a book out called The Lucifer Effect, and I encourage everyone to read it. A charismatic leader can easily galvanize his followers to hate and kill others - witness bin Laden, Hitler, Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic, and many others. Indeed, many of these men believed that they were doing God's work - and so did their followers. They led by example, they were open and transparent, they were available (at least for those who wanted to follow them), and they were unshakable. And people flocked to be in their presence - and followed their lead, often to the end. So the magnetic power of leadership does not carry with it the assumption that the leader is spreading a "good" message. One of the things that Zimbardo notes in his book is that we need to think critically about whom we choose to follow. Blind obedience - which has been all too common in our collective history - has led to some of the most egregious human rights violations.
For me, the difference between "positive" and "negative" leaders is that "positive" leaders encourage you to question them. Think carefully about what I am saying, and if you think I am wrong, then follow your own heart. Most "negative" leaders do not do this - they seek to exterminate those who do not agree with them. This is the difference we need to look out for.
So what we need now, in this major crossroads for our nation and for our world, is leadership - the kind that will lead others back to themselves. The time for secrets, cronyism, and incompetence is over. We need people who are called to leadership, and who decide to take on the mantle. Let us celebrate these people - and let's follow their lead, as long as our hearts tell us that it is right.
As I watch our presidential candidates parade themselves all over the country and try to convince us why we should elect them as our next president, one important attribute comes to mind - something that we have had precious little of in our government in quite a long time.
Leadership.
Leadership is so powerful that a charismatic leader can get others to believe, and do, just about anything. History is full of examples of people who have transformed whole nations - for good or for bad - and who have convinced others to do things that they never dreamed they would (or could). People like Martin Luther King have changed the course of our country's history by having the courage to put their lives on the line to lead others toward change and progress. Think about presidents like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Ronald Reagan, who have carried the country on their shoulders during difficult times. We trusted them, and they delivered on their promises.
This is what we need now.
Our country is in trouble because of lack of leadership. Whatever else you might say about George W. Bush, most of us can agree that he is not a leader. Leaders work to unify their followers, to inspire them, and to make clear what the goals are and how we are to achieve them. Has Bush done any of this - at least after the unprecedented wave of patriotism that gripped the nation following September 11th? And what must be done to create the type of leadership that we need to get ourselves out of this mess?
There are many people who believe that it is not in their best interests to protect the environment, or to accept and value others who are different from them, or to follow the Golden Rule. This is because they see the world only in terms of what they want and need, and not in terms of what is good for the country - or for the human race - as a whole. Indeed, in the United States today, a culture has been created that values short-term financial gain over long-term survival, that values political connections over genuine qualifications, and where an "every person for themselves" mindset has prevailed.
We need good leaders to provide the vision to change all of this.
So what are the characteristics of a good leader?
First, a good leader leads by example. If you want others to do something, do it yourself, and offer to show others how to do what you are doing. Most people are smart enough to be able to tell genuine leadership from empty words. If you aren't walking the walk, no one cares if you talk the talk. Martin Luther King didn't just preach tolerance - he lived it. And 40 years after his death, people still follow his lead.
Second, a good leader is open and transparent. If I am an effective leader, you don't have to guess what my motives are. I will simply tell you. Good leaders don't keep secrets from others. They make clear why they are doing what they're doing, and what they hope to gain from it. They have a passion that is contagious, and that doesn't have to be explained. The spiritual masters whose wisdom and teachings are at the heart of the world's major religions - Jesus, Buddha, Moses, Krishna, Lao Tzu, Confucius, Muhammad - didn't have to persuade others to follow them. Others flocked and begged to be in their presence. Their sense of purpose was undeniable, and no one had to ask them what they were doing, or why they were doing it. And hundreds or thousands of years after these masters left the earth, they are still revered, and their teachings are still followed.
Third, a good leader is available. If someone needs wisdom or guidance from you, you should make time to share it with them - no matter how busy you are. Make the time. In my academic career, not once have I have ever turned away a student who wanted to meet with me. Indeed, it is an honor to be called upon to share wisdom, and everyone else's time is just as valuable as yours. If someone else is taking the time to come to you, then you need to reciprocate. Indeed, wisdom, knowledge, and experience are useless unless they are shared with others in times of need.
Fourth, a good leader does not worry about whether she or he is being followed. For those who lead effectively, their behavior would be the same if no one were watching as it would if a million people were following. The actions are taken out of an intrinsic desire to actualize oneself, and others take notice. Indeed, if you are doing something primarily because you want to get noticed, chances are it won't work. My undergraduate mentor, Dick Dunham, told me nearly 15 years ago that the best runners don't worry about their competition - they just run. When you act in accordance with your true self, others will take notice and will want to be in your presence. Why? Because the true self comes from God, and most people want to be around someone who is genuinely connected to God.
Finally, a good leader is unshakable. No matter what happens, a good leader never veers off course - at least not for long. The sense of purpose comes from within - so external events don't change the leader's determination to reach her or his goal. Do you think Martin Luther King changed his message - or shied away from spreading it - because people were trying to kill him? Indeed, he knew he was going to be killed, and yet he focused intensely on sharing his wisdom. Can you imagine the kind of inspiration that this kind of leader creates in others?
There is one important caveat here - and one that may have occurred to you already. The characteristics I listed above can be used to describe leaders like Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and John Kennedy - but also leaders like Osama bin Laden and Adolf Hitler. Therefore, it is important to attend not only to the characteristics of the leader, but also to the message that she or he is spreading. Phil Zimbardo, an eminent scholar in social psychology and the lead investigator of the famous Stanford prison experiments back in the 1970s, has a book out called The Lucifer Effect, and I encourage everyone to read it. A charismatic leader can easily galvanize his followers to hate and kill others - witness bin Laden, Hitler, Fidel Castro, Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic, and many others. Indeed, many of these men believed that they were doing God's work - and so did their followers. They led by example, they were open and transparent, they were available (at least for those who wanted to follow them), and they were unshakable. And people flocked to be in their presence - and followed their lead, often to the end. So the magnetic power of leadership does not carry with it the assumption that the leader is spreading a "good" message. One of the things that Zimbardo notes in his book is that we need to think critically about whom we choose to follow. Blind obedience - which has been all too common in our collective history - has led to some of the most egregious human rights violations.
For me, the difference between "positive" and "negative" leaders is that "positive" leaders encourage you to question them. Think carefully about what I am saying, and if you think I am wrong, then follow your own heart. Most "negative" leaders do not do this - they seek to exterminate those who do not agree with them. This is the difference we need to look out for.
So what we need now, in this major crossroads for our nation and for our world, is leadership - the kind that will lead others back to themselves. The time for secrets, cronyism, and incompetence is over. We need people who are called to leadership, and who decide to take on the mantle. Let us celebrate these people - and let's follow their lead, as long as our hearts tell us that it is right.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)